“Writing a memoir is an act of courage. Be brave. It means exposing who you really are, which is hard to do, even to yourself.”
That advice comes from a conversation I had recently with Linda Joy Myers, Ph.D., President of the National Association of Memoir Writers. She’s the author of a new book, The Power of Memoir: Writing Your Healing Story, which we’re publishing at John Wiley & Sons in February.
Scroll down for Myers’ great tips for writers.
Memoirs are hugely popular
“Memoir writing is a grass-roots movement sweeping the country,” says Myers, a psychotherapist and coach who has led memoir workshops and trainings for more than 28 years. “We want to understand ourselves, to reach a deeper level of meaning about what we’ve experienced.”
This week’s New York Times best-seller lists include the memoirs Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson, The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert — not to mention blockbuster celebrity memoirs by Andre Aggasi, Edward Kennedy, and Sarah Palin.
I personally receive a dozen or more memoir proposals and manuscripts from agents and writers every month in my capacity both as Executive Editor at Wiley and as a consulting editor working with private clients.
Making sense of our lives
We publishers think it’s partly the demographic bulge of baby boomers who are reaching an age where they’re trying to make sense of their lives.
There’s a timeless universal instinct to sit around the fire and tell stories that explain the world, and also to listen – for insight and inspiration. When we read another person’s memoir we learn about them and get inside their skin. And when we understand another person, we can understand ourselves better too. There may be other methods that can help us in understanding ourselves like yoga, meditation, witchcraft, etc. Wondering how? Let us take the example of Witchcraft! It might be surprising, but reading and practising witchcraft might help in understanding our minds and soul. Earlier, people used to have preconceived notions, which were mostly negative, about witches. That is why, even if somebody wanted to learn the art of witchcraft at that time, it was difficult to find an educator (or useful resources). However, as time changed and people around the world started using the Internet for information and education, learning about such things seemed to have become easier. This is due to the fact that, nowadays, one can read blogs like “how to become a witch” from Wicca Academy or related websites to acquire knowledge regarding this subject matter.
Coming back to the memoir writing, which might be an evolutionary survival mechanism, a creative artifact of human culture and tradition, and the need to create order out of the random chaos of our lives.
It’s not simple or easy
But writing a memoir that’s of interest beyond family and friends isn’t simple or easy. Myers identifies the two biggest obstacles every memoirist faces:
The memoirist’s two biggest obstacles
Your inner critic
That’s the nagging voice in your ear that says nothing you write is good or true, the voice that inflicts you with shame and guilt, especially if you’ve experienced trauma, abuse, or loss. The inner critic can inhibit you from acknowledging and revealing — even if only to yourself — what actually happened in your life.
Your outer critics
They are the family members and others who don’t want anything about themselves or their history revealed in writing. Try your best to shut down the outer critic while you’re writing. Don’t tell your family or friends what you’re working on.
Once you’ve finished writing, go through and take out all the anger. Delete anything that’s there just for revenge. Leave only the truth as you see it, and then show it to them, if they’re still living.
If you’re writing for a broader audience
You need to focus on your material.
“You have to get outside of yourself and think about your reader,” Myers says. “What does the reader want to know and what’s irrelevant?
This makes you less self-centered, and it also has developmental benefits, by integrating your experiential ego with your observing ego. When you write a memoir, you become the ‘I’ who’s telling the story, and also the ‘I’ narrator who has perspective on the story. So that means you’re both the eight-year-old in the story and you’re an adult observing yourself when you were eight.”
Linda Myers’ 7 tips for defeating your inner critic
1. Start today
Get past that inner critic and start writing. Get it down on paper or up on the screen, then go back and rewrite it. Don’t wait.
2. Keep it private
Don’t show or tell anyone until you’re ready. Listen to your own voice only, and protect your sanctuary, your inner self, home, wherever and however you’re writing. If you think there are too many distractions for you, try to look at ways to calm yourself down. Relaxing music, occasional use of recreational marijuana (from the likes of lowpricebud and similar dispensaries), etc., might prove helpful in the long run.
3. Write the truth
Be ethically and emotionally accurate. This is your story and this memoir belongs to you. Don’t ask family or friends for permission to write this, and if they disagree or get upset when they do finally read it, tell them “This is my story. This is how I see it. You can write your own story if you want.”
4. Seek understanding
Remember why you’re writing this memoir. Search for meaning, and healing for old wounds. Any anger or desire for revenge will hurt you more than anyone else. If it helps, there’s no shame in seeking out therapy from a Counselling Kingston center. This may in fact help you write with more clarity and less bias.
5. Find a focus and theme
Include only what tells your story, since a memoir is not a journal or diary. It’s not like reportage or playing back a tape recording. You’re picking and choosing what to say and how to say it.
6. Writing dialogue
You can’t be expected to remember exact quotes. Go back in time and recreate the scene in your mind’s eye. Write it down, however awful it may be at first. Then read it over, shape it, listen some more, and rewrite until it’s more accurate and has not only the essence of what people said, but also how they said it.
7. Liability
If you’re writing about controversial, criminal, or other potentially damaging matters attributed to people in your story, show the manuscript to a literary attorney to evaluate potential liability. Even if you’ve disguised individuals, people recognize themselves. Try to avoid legal action before it happens.
Getting published
To improve your chances of getting published, you’ll need to write and rewrite. And if, like many successful writers, you want feedback and assistance, don’t hesitate to hire professional help. Take a look at this earlier post on what you need to know about choosing a freelance editor.
Once finished, self-publishing a memoir has become an increasingly popular and honorable way of reaching the public fast. Or you can try to get an agent and go for mainstream publication.
Sure it helps if you’re a celebrity or best-selling novelist, but my colleagues at other publishing houses and I are still seeking new authors, fresh faces, and the dream of literary and commercial success.
Are you writing a memoir?
Are you writing a memoir? What have been your greatest challenges? What has helped? Please share your experience in your comments.
How do you teach your students to manage the living in the present while writing about the burried burdens and fears of the past and self? I find the process revealing and healing, yet exhausting as well.
Your thoughts?
Hello, great tips on this site.. I am currently working on a memoir of my life that is filled with mostly traumatic/serious events dealing with addiction. I am very critical of my work and have had quite a bit mixed feelings of my book. I have been spending a large amount of money to my editor to assist me, and at times I feel like giving up. I need some inspiration! I knew writing a book was not going to be easy, but this is really taking a toll on me.. I want and need to get my story out to the world, because I know it could help people out there who have struggled with the many addictions that I have struggled with. PLEASE HELP! Thanks, Ronnie
Re: Who am I writing for?
It helps me to imagine that I am telling my stories to someone. Usually it’s a vague presence, no one specific, but a bunch of women like my comfy old high school or college friends who I imagine are probably going through the same stuff I am. In a way, they are versions of myself.
When I write journal or diary stuff, that is, when I write just for me, I tend to get too … what? … mushy? whiney? angry? judgmental?
This has all been such helpful information, thank you. I’m about halfway through writing my memoir “Widow in a Speedo.” I’ve been blogging a lot, writing essays, reading other memoirs and blogs such as this one in order to get a feel for style and tone. My subject is both tragic (the loss of my husband at a young age, we had a newborn daughter) and funny (the quest to find a new husband was full of antics and adventures). Writing down the story was cathartic and very much part of my own healing process yet I’m terrified to share it with the world. So much so that I have not even told my husband (the new one) that I am writing the memoir. So shhhhh.
Thank you for sharing such great information. I was so happy to hear about keeping our writings private. I have been posting some vignettes also, from my book in progress on my blog and while I’ve gotten some great feedback and encouragement, I’ve also been dissected and judged. It’s taken me awhile to come to terms with the fact that in being true to myself and doing what I feel compelled to do, I need to get a thick skin and stay focused on my truth and my direction. It’s comforting to know thought, how difficult this is for all of us and that it is part of the process.
I’ve been writing memoir pieces/essays for a few years now, trying to get into words my experiences as a woman of color. I’ve had great encouragement over the years, but I struggle with inner and outer critics. I understand that there’s value in writing for myself, but I don’t value myself to think that’s enough. I want to share my story, but I don’t really know if anyone will find the story valuable. I often feel what I write is very pedestrian and contains issues already covered by other writers/memoirs. So I get very stuck, but I’m slowly retraining myself to look at the writing as valuable for what it does – puts my story in a concrete form and gives me a chance to remember and learn.
I appreciate all the insights shared here! Looking forward to reading more.
Terrific post – the 7 tips are keepers.
I find that the act of writing – the process itself – helps define the result. It also shapes my experience, or re-shapes it, I guess. There may be people who can plan everything out in advance, then execute it, but definitely not me.
My sorta-kinda memoir is the narrative part of a non-fiction work, providing counterpoint to other themes braided throughout. I started out trying for an objective, third-person approach sprinkled with first-person recollections. But it really came alive when I made the whole thing much more personal.
Early on, I showed the first 500 words (of 9,000) to a trusted advisor (not a cheerleader) and I workshopped the first half of the essay in a creative-writing group, for great feedback. Ultimately, the decisions are mine. Couldn’t agree more with the advice not to show it to friends or family. Mine’s simply a memory, not a traumatic work-through, but still… too much advice can prevent you from hearing your own voice.
Thanks – great post.
Very nice post! Exactly what I needed to read at the moment.
I am writing a travel memoir that has a very specific beginning and end. In some ways this has made the structure of my manuscript easier to determine. However, the greater difficulty is deciding how much of my life outside this limited experience, that directly and indirectly shaped my decision to embark on the journey, to include. The first question I had to answer was who I was writing the story for. Of course, for myself is the most obvious answer. However, it wasn’t until I decided to write to publish that I could clearly see the structure. I am still facing many difficulties shaping what is most relevant to the wider audience, but I hope this will take care of itself in the critiquing and revision phase.
The inner critic resonated well with me as it is difficult to determine if what we write is any good at all, especially when it is your first book attempt. As for the outer critics, I think it is better to let them judge the manuscript once it is done. Don’t give them ammunition without having the benefit of the full story, and the lessons it carries with it. Although, in some ways this is easier for me as my journey is not contentious and hardly involves any family members. What may be more shocking is how open I will be with my own fears and failings. Sometimes others worry what others might think of us more than we do ourselves.
Keep up the interesting work.
I wrote a memoir about a huge transition in my life in the form of a novella. It was easier to fictionalize, because it was about a difficult time in my life, but still my truth and experience inform the story.
It is written how I felt it and is very experimental writing, reading more like dream matter.
It was a very personal and healing journey to take.
It is so close to me, such a raw truth, that I have hesitated to show it to many.
I also have to wonder, would it be valuable to someone else, someone outside my story?
For its purposes, I see no need to stand up with it. I wrote it for myself.
I would need to believe deeply that it held value for others before I thought to try and publish it.
I have shared it with only a very few: with one person who knows my story anyway and loved the writing and thought it is quite Pinkola-Estes.
A few others have read or listened to several excerpts. Their reactions were that they found the writing beautiful, even rewarding, but also very dense, and easier to listen to where they could drift in the cadences then to read. The listeners got the excerpts more readily. The readers needed to reread the excerpts three times because of the layers and the difficult material. Would they venture through such a thick forest alone? Hard to say.
But for me, the writing was very honest and that was necessary for me. It also makes it so very personal––even written as a work of fiction––even frightening to share. I think some of our hardest, most soul searching material is almost unbearable so that it takes great courage to face it in any form.
It has since become easier and freer for me just to write fiction.
Hi Gale,
Yes, I think writers of almost any genre go through the same kinds of struggles–with the inner critic, voice, writing skills, and confidence. We need to take good care of the creative spirit within, and try to protect it.
When we keep the work private for a while, esp. in this era of share everything on the social media sites, we honor it and help it to have a life of its own. The work takes on its own wisdom and whispers to us, if we are quiet enough to hear it.
Keep writing!
-Linda Joy
I am a fiction writer. After I read these tips, I realized many of them apply to fiction writing also. I especially like number two. “Keep it to yourself”. I heartilly agree.
Great post.
GL
A memoir necessarily asks us to explore our inner selves, and in so doing we may come upon some powerful feelings, memories and conflicts. However, it seems clear that the process of wrestling with our truths can be freeing ultimately and helpful to our development.
The journey of writing always leads us to unexpected places if we allow the story and the journey to guide us. It means having some kind of faith in the process, and a willingness to simply write without a clear goal in the early stages. I always tell my students to place themselves into the scenes that beckon to them, and let the story itself work its magic.
Writing a memoir is both a linear and a non-linear process. We might talk more about that later!
–Linda Joy
I write fiction, but in a sense I write memoir too. It is true that a bit of yourself goes into every character you write. I know when my stories are read by those who are close to me, that they see not only me in them, but themselves as well. This can sometimes be uncomfortable for them, as it is uncomfortable for me to write. But truth will out in whatever form it takes. Thank you for a great article!
Great post! Will be remembering these tips as I move forward with my memoir. I’ve been sloowly writing it that past 3 or 4 years – based on having received life-threatening injuries in an accident and now living with limitations/pain.
Good post. In 1986, I wrote a memoir, of sorts–reflecting just a segment of my life. I started out to write about the work a local hypnotherapist was doing using past-life regression therapy. Fascinating stuff. As part of my research, I succumbed to hypnosis and experienced what were supposed to be some of my past-lives. I was involved in episodes of instantaneous healing of people and animals and more. Before I had quite finished the research and interviews, the hypnotherapist died. I shelved the book until I realized how much my life had changed over the years–mainly because I’d learned self-hypnosis. That’s when I decided to write my own book–my memoirs, if you will.
I found it to be fun, difficult and highly emotional at times. It seems to be impossible to write about emotional stuff without feeling the pain or joy. Do others find this to be true? It’s probably a good thing–it surely makes for better writing when the emotion is there.
The book is Quest for Truth by Patricia Fry. http://www.matiljapress.com.
Patricia
Hi Linda,
Thanks for responding to Victoria’s question. Your have confirmed the struggle that I had with my memoir writing. I wrote many small poetic vignettes then wove them together with an interesting story line. Only after working through the “fire in my belly” did I discover my connections and storyline. Which provided the catalyst for even deeper novel than I thought possible with a vast array of emotions and read ability.
Thanks, Lorraine
Hi Victoria,
That’s a great question! Writing vignettes on a blog is a great way to develop your memoir.
First, writing on a blog helps you to focus your ideas and realize that your post needs to read well for your audience. This doesn’t mean that you write a “first draft” for your audience, however. The first ramblings are often needed for us to get a sense of what we want to say. That might be the draft that helps us sort our feelings and memories, and, as you say, tease out the story.
Then, as we return to the piece that we post to the public, we ask: Does the reader see, feel, and experience my world through scene and sensual detail? Have I used dialogue and paid attention to the physical world, even if there is reflection?
Writing vignettes is the method I recommend to all my students. That way you don’t have to know exactly where a book “starts.” You can write from your “fire in the belly”–the emotionally gripping place of your feelings, and know that eventually the timeline and plot of your longer memoir will be developed as you work on it.
In my book, I recommend a turning point and timeline technique, which helps to prioritize and sort out your various life events.
Best wishes for your memoir and your blog!
-Linda
Some of the comments here on the blog are the kinds of issues that I hear from writers. Not everyone feels drawn to writing a memoir for publication–which truly is a challenge in terms of how it might affect relationships with others. But one way to draw upon and heal the things that make life challenging is to get them on the page, and keep them private. Research has shown that writing the truth can be helpful to heal physical as well as emotional problems. Writing helps us to sort through the confusing and often painful things that happen to us, and helps to make them more objective. Memoir writing can be a private act that supports growth and healing. Sometimes, it becomes a larger project, but often it remains a private act of self-reflection.
I am writing a memoir. I would be curious to hear how Ms. Myers feels about using a blog as a vehicle to shape and hone a manuscript. I am currently writing very small vignettes as a way of seeking my voice and teasing out the story.
Even if my memoir was truthful and careful and I said, “this is how I remember it, write your own story”, relationships would be damaged. No-one has an impartial view of their own history.
Writing my memoirs provided my inner self with great meaning. After exploring and uncovering my past, intertwined in actions in the present, and making it tangible on paper, I discovered a self seeking to express with a voice that resonated truth, love and joy. Yes, writing what you have experienced in the past releases you to live in the present. Only because I discovered a strong and worthy voice haunted by the fear of expressing.
I must say, however, that Charles and Gordon are correct about encountering the fear and solving the meaning life in your memoirs. I spent many lonely and painful hours writing through and blurred and confused thoughts and images. However, I must say the accomplishment was well worth the journey.
I did not share my writings with any one, while in the process. I wanted them to remain whole and unique to me. I wanted to discover what I saw as meaning, Since I could not express those feelings and emotions when I was younger. I wanted to empower my innocence and ignite my imagination. I did not want to be fragmented by the others, in my life, who had hide their own needs and fears. I must say my writing has improved tremendously, as has my confidence. I believe I have something to say and beautiful stories to tell.
Alan, I have just discovered your site. I want to compliment you on your generosity with us writers, that are attempting to find our path to market place and meaning in our many lonely hours.
I find hope and inspiration from your insights and belief. For those of us who remain to true to our voice and re-write and re-write, until our story radiates and begs to be read. Then and only then can we find our way to heart and minds of our audience.
Alan, I love your ability to communicate and your desire to encourage the artistic expression of writing. Thanks for helping me on my sometimes lonely path. I look forward to your blogs and have referred it to others.
I’m not planning on writing a memoir any time soon. My life has been interesting, tumultuous, painful but seldom joyful. I’ve witnessed and have been in the middle of historic events and have met some amazing people. We all have challenges to face in life, and I personally believe that solving problems is the meaning of life, but I haven’t solved mine yet! For a reader, a memoir should have a satisfying ending. Mine will, eventually. I do include my experiences in my novels whenever feasible.
I’m commenting to simply thank you for your blog.
I will never writer a memoir. I’m too afraid. I can stand up against any bully, and I enjoy doing just that–but I can’t stand up to what my life has been. I could never write a memoir. How could I, when I spend so much time and energy covering up the very things I’d have to expose? An honest memoir is the antithesis of me.
Great post! I’ll have to check out the book.
I’m writing a travel memoir. The hardest part for me, partly because of my journalism background, has been allowing myself to analyze, include thoughts and commentary that show who I am as a person. Of course, this is exactly what memoir IS. I’ve found that the more personal I make the story — the more I let readers into my head — the better it becomes. On my next round of revisions, I’m going to focus on that specifically: Where can I add more ME? Where can I let my personality shine through? Looking at the story through this lens has helped me — and might help some of your readers.
Love when your blog pops up in my Google Reader. Keep ’em coming!